Beyond the Nuclear Family: Bringing Back the Village
I am an actress, producer, and now, a mom too. I'm not going to sugarcoat it - being a working mom is HARD. But, I am incredibly fortunate to have a solution that works for me and my family. You see, I live in a rather unique situation. When I had Theo, my parents moved in with my husband and I. We also stay at my in-laws house a few nights a week so that I can be closer to work and Theo can spend time his other grandparents. Instead of two working parents struggling alone to balance life, we have an army of family members we can lean on: our village
To some, our lifestyle seems odd. Our friends often don't understand why my parents would choose to live with us, or better put, why we would want to live with them! But to me, it is a blessing. Theo gets to spend every day with his grandparents, a luxury I never had growing up with family overseas. It is also what allows me to continue pursuing my own passions and work, and
The concept of the nuclear family, consisting of two parents and children living under one roof, became prominent in western culture during a time when men went to work and women stayed at home. But, times have changed. Today, many women choose to work, and most famlies can't survive on a single income alone. Parents often have to make the difficult choice of leaving their jobs or placing their infants in expensive, round the clock day care. Calls to make childcare more affordable and expand the pathetic benefits provided to working American parents (some of the lowest of all developed countries) are growing, and rightly so. Yet, the very notion of the "nuclear family" is rarely called into question, even though this isn't the way most humans have lived for most of our existence.
The nuclear family only became the social norm in America in the 1950s. This way of life was encouraged by various sectors of society for multiple reasons, such as economic interests (selling more homes, cars, washing machines, TV's, you name it) and cultural factors (the American dream of homeownership and independence heavily emphasized by the media). However, as society confronts the challenges of growing inequality, climate change, and the COVID-19 pandemic-induced isolation, the idealized image of the 1950s is losing its appeal. In his thoughtful piece, "The Nuclear Family was a Mistake", David Brooks reflects on the strengths we once gained from multi-generational living and the societal decline that ensued when the nuclear family took its place.
This begs the question - in the push towards modernity, have we lost something along the way?
While my living situation may seem unusual to those in western cultures, for many Asian, Middle Eastern, African, and Latino families, multi-generational living is the norm. They live in what can be best described as a village. In a village, the demands of running a household are split amongst many. Meals are prepared and enjoyed together. Children grow up learning the languages and hearing the stories of their grandparents and even great-grandparents. The idea of a nursing home is so foreign, that it's not even considered. The cost of living goes down significantly for everyone. And sharing of resources means less food wasted, less energy consumed, and less goods bought. It's a win for everybody.
But how can we bring back the village lifestyle when we have become so accustomed to the nuclear family model? It starts with a shift in mindset - an acknowledgment that no one should have to face the responsibilities of raising a family alone, and that there is no shame in "living with your parents." But we have to be realistic too. With many ages, cultures, and habits under one roof, it's essential to set up rules, boundaries, and processes for sharing the work so that everyone is getting what they need. Your home should be your haven.
Now, I realize that multigenerational living is not for everyone. There are many reasons why living with extended family is just not possible for many. For some, living with their parents or in laws might be more stressful than the alternative. I get it. But for many, this could be a game changing solution that they've never even considered. And evidence shows more people are catching on. Today, 20% of Americans, an all-time high, live in multigenerational homes. While the financial crisis of 2008 is a big driver of this, other data shows this trend may be here to stay.
On this blog, I will be sharing my own experience living in a multi-cultural, multi-generational village - the joys, the challenges, the funny moments, and the lessons learned - in the hopes that it may start a conversation around new ways of living. Ways that care for overburdened parents, lonely grandparents, and children growing up disconnected from their family and heritage.
My hope is that we can break out of societal "norms" and obligations and find solutions that work for us. Because no one should have to raise a family alone. After all, it takes a village.